This post is getting too personal, but I feel like I need to write about this… maybe then I’ll be able to deal with it in a positive way – and maybe get free from it!
I struggle with something I call my “dark deep depression”.
It’s not so much a true depression, but it is something dark and deep that sucks me in every so often. I’m struggling to stay out of it right now. Basically, I get to the point where I just want to cut off what little interaction I have with humanity and crawl into a hole somewhere.
I get tired of having no real relationships with people and having no “purpose” in life – having no connection to “real life” – and I just want to crawl into a hole… it’s not like anyone’s going to miss me anyways, since they hardly notice I’m here in the first place.
Yes, I struggle HUGELY with self-esteem and self-worth (basically PRIDE). This ugliness has been a part of my life as long as I can remember, although I’m not sure if I’ve ever exposed it before (I think I may have brought it to light at one point at NTBI, during Homiletics), and exposing it now is causing me to take a huge risk.
You see, I’m a non-emotional person.
I tend to bottle my emotions inside, and since I don’t have a release for them (no one to talk to about what’s going on in my life), they tend to build up subconsciously until they cause me to implode.
I RARELY explode. Almost ALWAYS implode.
I let my unexpressed emotions get the best of me.
I let them pull me down into my dark, deep depression, where I struggle to find the light of day again. I truly don’t know how I get out of my depression… I’m sure that if I went back and found my journal entries (assuming I actually recorded the events), I might figure out what it was that brought me back time and time again.
Don’t worry… I’m not suicidal or going to cause myself or anyone else any physical pain/harm. I know too much to do anything like that – I know that God is in control and He is on the throne, and that knowledge gets me through every time. I’m honestly not sure I would have made it this far without that knowledge.
I seriously wish, at times like these, that I knew how to cry.
I wish I could just let out all the emotion – to free myself of the buildup and to start fresh again. I know God will bring me through it… I just hate the going through it part.
But, God is faithful – He will use it to mold me further into the image of His Son, Jesus. And knowing that helps me hold on for dear life!
I don’t write this so that you will feel bad for me or pitty me in anyway.
Instead, I write this to encourage you – God is FAITHFUL!! He has brought me back time and time again!! He will do the same for YOU!!
James tells us that all of our trials and sufferings will grow our character, making us more mature in our faith.
Praise God for the growing pains that life drags us through!! May we all be so blessed by God to go through such trials that through them we come out shining in the image of His Son!!
All that to say, if you think of it, would you pray for me?
I’m going to need a lot of prayer to pull out before my head goes under.
Let me know if I can lift you up in prayer as well… the Christian life was not meant to be lived alone – we need each other to encourage and pray for one another and to do LIFE together as we grow in grace.