Coaching My Kids Toward Christ: The 4 Cs of Christian Parenting

In his article, “The Four Phases of Parenthood,” Bob Hostetler shared four distinct roles that a Christian parent plays over the course of his/her child’s life: Commander, Coach, Counselor, and Consultant.

As children grow up, a parent’s role ought to evolve, aiding in a child’s transition from total dependence to independence. This doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t happen well without intentionality… and a lot of prayer.

Role One: Commander

Ages 0 – 5

In the early years, a parent’s role resembles a benevolent dictator, managing all aspects of the child’s life, from daily routines to basic instructions. The goal is to foster growth from discipline to self-discipline, emphasizing the importance of guidance and correction.

During this phase, Christian parents lay the foundation of faith through consistent discipline and teaching. This includes introducing basic biblical stories and principles, such as the importance of kindness, honesty, and obedience to God’s word.

Parents might engage in daily prayers with their children, read them Bible stories, and model Christlike behaviors like forgiveness and patience. The aim is to cultivate a respectful and obedient heart that understands the basics of right and wrong as taught through Scripture.

I have one child left in this phase. Creating a structured system of right and wrong is crucial for helping him to form a solid understanding of what it looks like to live a life of faith in Christ. He isn’t yet able to discern beyond the basics of right and wrong, so it is up to me to tell him what is true.

Role Two: Coach

Ages 6 – 12

This phase involves teaching concepts like work and responsibility during activities such as household chores. A parent shifts from giving direct orders to guiding decision-making, helping the child progress from directed to self-directed actions.

As children grow and begin to understand more complex ideas, parents can start coaching them on how to apply Christian values in everyday decisions. This might include discussions about why certain choices are better in the eyes of God and encouraging children to think about how their actions affect others in the light of a biblical worldview.

Parents might also involve children in church activities or community service projects to teach the importance of community and service to others, fostering a sense of responsibility and self-direction.

With two kiddos solidly in this phase of life, we’re constantly having to find the balance between telling them what is right and asking them to discern for themselves. Pointing our kids to the truths of Scripture both for instruction and explanation is crucial in this stage.

Role Three: Counselor

Ages 13 – 17

As children enter their teenage years, they begin to seek more independence. Parents transition to a less directive role, encouraging responsible decision-making. This phase is crucial for helping the child understand concepts of fairness and justice and for supporting his/her desire for autonomy.

During the teenage years, the parenting role shifts towards counseling, where parents guide their children to make their own decisions based on a Christian perspective. This phase involves deeper theological discussions about faith, the challenges of living a Christian life, and how to deal with peer pressure and societal issues in a way that honors God.

Parents encourage independence in personal faith practices, such as personal Bible study, prayer life, and involvement in youth groups, aiming to solidify a personal commitment to Christ.

With one kid solidly in this stage and one getting ready to leave this stage, I’ve spent the last five years learning how to set up guardrails, praying hard, and helping my children learn how to own their faith rather than rely on my faith.

Role Four: Consultant

Ages 18+

Once the child reaches college, a parent’s role becomes more about being available for advice rather than active intervention. The focus is on supporting the young adult’s decisions, offering help when asked, and hoping for wise choices. A parent in the role of consultant remains available to advise and support, but the focus is on the young adult taking ownership of his/her faith and life decisions.

Discussions may center around vocational choices, relationships, and life challenges, with the parent guiding the young adult to seek God’s guidance in all aspects of life. Parents might also share his/her own experiences and struggles, fostering an open dialogue that reinforces the importance of faith in navigating adulthood.

The Ultimate Goal of Christian Parenting

Coaching children towards Christlikeness involves instilling values such as love, humility, integrity, and service, reflecting the character of Christ. Throughout all these phases of parenting, the underlying goal is to encourage a deep, personal relationship with Christ, ensuring that faith is a guiding principle in life’s decisions and challenges.

Each phase of parenting presents unique challenges and requires a gradual shift in approach, preparing both the parent and child for the inevitable progression toward independence. The transition through these phases is not strictly linear, often overlapping, and necessitates adaptability depending on each child’s needs.

As a parent of five kids ranging in age from 5 years old to 17 years old, I often find myself in multiple of these roles simultaneously. This causes me to have to stop and consider which child I’m discipling in the moment, and how best to reach their heart. The tools that work for one kid won’t work for another.

If you’re like me, and you could use some resources for coaching your kids toward Christlikeness, I invite you to subscribe to the Christian Parenting Toolbox newsletter. Each email will contain encouragement and resources to help you better parent your child(ren), no matter which role(s) you’re currently in.